


Caught in a Sea of Despair

by Zonkcat



Category: Brach Smyers - Fandom, Shinedown - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 14:37:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4439591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zonkcat/pseuds/Zonkcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brent's life seems to be crumbling around him, and hope is nowhere to be found.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caught in a Sea of Despair

Steam rose up and filled the room as hot water flowed into the bathtub, the sound of gushing water a pleasant hum of noise. Brent inhaled deeply, letting the steam fill his chest. Eyes closed and head slightly back, he held the breath for a moment before slowly exhaling through his nose. Moments of peace like these had become rare, and he appreciated every moment of them when they actually came around. 

With slow, deliberate movements, Brent removed his clothing piece by piece until he stood naked in the middle of the bathroom. He let the tendrils of steam wrap itself around his body for awhile before tip-toeing into the tub of hot water. 

Brent slowly lowered himself in, feeling the heat seep it's way under his skin. As he situated himself against the side of the tub, he let his head fall back again, so that the baby hairs on his neck dipped slightly into the water. He sighed deeply, embracing the steam and the heat and the peace of it all. 

But as soon as he closed his eyes, the peace was gone. 

Everything seemed to come flooding in at once. All the terrible memories and bad moments struck Brent like knives to the stomach, so sharp even the steaming hot water couldn't soothe them. Still, he bit his tongue to prevent himself from screaming. Last time he'd had a panic attack, Zach tried convincing Brent to see a psychologist. Which was not happening. Ever. 

Old memories of his uncle stabbed at him first. The smile, the warm hugs, the deep chortles the man was capable of; the ghost of Brent's uncle somehow continued to hover over him even though his death had been years ago. 

"I wrote him a song. A beautiful song." Brent would argue with himself.  
"That doesn't do him justice. He deserved more than a song. He deserved a world famous single, not a petty song on a record." The voice would retort. Sometimes Brent would picture his uncle scowling at him in disgust. He hadn't even gone to his funeral. How on earth did Brent think a song would do the wonderful man justice?

For some reason, those regrets always let to the story behind Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide. Brent dunked his head under water when those thoughts started coming in; that was usually the first time he'd cry out in despair. 

With his head under water, he could scream and no one would hear. Not even himself; it was so peaceful, so quiet under there. The whole world was blocked out by the water in his ears. If only Brent could stay there awhile longer...

But lack of air and the heat of the water got to him and Brent forced his head to the surface, gasping in the cool, crisp air. He leaned back, panting. 

A knock sounded at the door. 

"You okay man?" Zach's voice spoke from the other side. 

Was Brent crying? He couldn't tell since his face was warm and wet. "I'm fine, Zach." He managed to squeak out. "Just relaxing."

Brent waited until he heard Zach's retreating footsteps before closing his eyes again. 

Suicide... What an interesting idea. Brent shook his head as a line of faces formed against his eyelids. Faces of fans whom over the years came to Shinedown's meet and greets with frowns on their faces and scars on their wrists. Some faces were crisp and clear, others were a blur. He'd lost count of how many people had come to him, pleading with their eyes a way out. Brent wanted nothing more than to take all of them and wrap them into giant hugs until their sadness went away and they found the beauty in life. It terrified him sometimes; he'd watch them walk away, probably to never see them again, having done everything in his power to help them. He couldn't help but sometimes wonder how many of them had made it out alive. 

Another inhale of steam brought about a fresh set of painful emotions. Sometimes at this point he'd loop around, back to his uncle, and go in circles until Zach or Eric came and snapped him out of it. Other times, like tonight, his thoughts would lead straight to another problem. 

His voice was screwing with him. Brent hadn't felt 100% at a show in weeks, and the band still had shows solidly lined up through the end of the year, another three months. He hadn't been able to get into a doctor yet, and to be honest he was slightly scared to. What if they told him to stop singing? Just the thought of it sent a shiver of fear down his spine. Nonetheless, all his usual home remedies weren't working either, so at some point a trip to the doctors would have to happen. 

Frustrated, Brent slipped his head back under water. He felt his heartbeat thump in his ears, as if the whole tub was thumping in rhythm. Brent slowly let out the breath he was holding through his nose, letting the serenity of being underwater engulf him. It was almost like all his troubles couldn't reach him down there, as if the water was a shield...

Lack of air got the best of him again and he plunged to the surface once more. Brent sat up straight, pushing his hair back and trying to wipe the excess water out of his face. He coughed a little, probably from the sharpness of the cool air. 

He'd barely had time to recover before more emotions stabbed at him. 

Barry was threatening to quit the band. 

He and Brent had been arguing a lot lately, and two nights ago they'd gotten in such a huge fight, Barry hadn't spoken a word to Brent since. What was even more frustrating was that Brent couldn't seem to pinpoint exactly what started the arguing or what they continued to argue about. All he knew was that his best friend, brother and partner-in-crime of over 10 years was threatening to storm out of Brent's life and even just the idea of that was enough to sent a piercing pain through his heart. 

Brent clenched his fists and smacked them against the water, which probably wasn't the best idea. The impact sent water splashing all over the bathroom floor. Frustrated once more, Brent slipped his way back under water. 

The pressure was all too much. Brent felt his demons trying to overwhelm him on a daily basis. Even the drug addiction was haunting him again. He hadn't yet caved, but he didn't want to get to that point. Everything was already bad enough, and there didn't seem to be an escape. 

Except here, under the water. Brent felt time slow down as he held his breath, embracing the silence once more. How peaceful everything seemed, muted and slow moving. Brent could handle everything if it moved at this pace. 

He leaned back into the tub, holding his breath past the point of his lungs aching. His heart was racing; Brent needed air. But he didn't want to come up yet. If he stayed down here long enough, maybe all his problems would fade away. 

Just as Brent felt the blackness start to overcome him, he felt a fistful of his hair being yanked. Suddenly he was above the water again, the cool air stabbing his face. He coughed in surprise, trying to pull away from the hand gripping his hair. 

"What the fuck, Brent?" Shaking his head, Brent turned and saw Zach leaning over him, a mixed look of fear and anger on his face. 

"What are you doing in here, Zach?" 

"You've been in here for over an hour." Zach plopped down on the toilet seat cover. "Plus, you've been oddly quiet so I got worried. Good thing too; I come in here and you're trying to fucking drown yourself."

Brent pushed his sopping wet hair back, slightly embarrassed. Was he really trying to drown himself? He didn't know how to respond to Zach's comment, so he just sat there waiting. 

"Brent," Zach said after a moment, "what's wrong? I know you're not okay, so don't lie to me." 

Hanging his head in his hands, Brent sighed. His thoughts were spinning like a Ferris wheel out of control, giving him a headache. He didn't trust himself to speak right then, so he just shook his head. 

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Brent," Zach's voice gently spoke near Brent's ear, "I need to know. Were you really trying to drown yourself just now?" 

Shame and guilt filled Brent. It wasn't until Zach said it did Brent realize that yes, he had tried to drown himself. Everything had overwhelmed him so much, he was willing to let the lack of air take his life. Slowly, Brent nodded without looking up, knowing the look Zach would have on his face. 

A small sigh sounded from Zach. "Okay. Okay." Brent felt a hand on his shoulder. He forced himself to look up. He made eye contact with Zach, whose face was only a few inches from his. A mixed look of concern, sadness and understanding filled his face. 

"Brent," Zach whispered, "you, are going to get through this. I, am here. For you." 

Suddenly Brent felt extremely vulnerable, sitting in the tub, naked, depressed and empty, in front of his best friend. But sadness prevented him from moving. "I'm sorry, Zach." 

Zach leaned back. "Why are you sorry man? You have nothing to be apologetic for."

"I can't do this, man." Brent ran a hand through his drying hair. "It's like everything is slowly falling apart. I can barely sing anymore, Barry hates me, I feel like I'm losing my grip on the fans, it's... It's all crumbling away." 

Silence hung in the air as all of Brent's inner struggles were suddenly spoken aloud. He felt them sink in; it was like speaking them made them more real. But it didn't hurt more; he almost felt like some weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Maybe his shoulders were just getting cold. 

"Brent," Zach whispered. Brent looked over and saw his eyes shining with tears. He looked away. 

"Zach, don't." 

"Do... Do you really feel that way?" Zach asked in a small voice. When Brent nodded, he heard Zach swallow hard. A few moments passed before the guitarist continued. "Brent, I look up to you. So much. Everyday. You are the most... Inspiring person I've ever met. And I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. So many people look up to you for strength, inspiration and love." 

"Then why don't I feel that way? Why do I feel so empty Zach?" He looked to his friend for an answer, but found nothing. 

Slowly, Zach leaned forwards and rested his hands on Brent's shoulders again. "Listen. Your voice, it will get better. We've been touring nonstop for months; you've barely had time to rest. You're not Superman, sweetie." Zach paused for a moment before continuing. "Barry is mad at you, yes. But with everything that we do, there's going to be emotions everywhere and feelings hurt. He will get over it. He loves you Brent. Nothing could change that." Zach's eyes moved slowly across Brent's face as he spoke more. "And the fans... You do everything you can for them. Can't you see that? Look at all of them that come to shows, sing to our songs, tell us stories, write us letters, give us hugs. Look at our Twitter, and Facebook and at the damn internet in general; we, you, touch so many lives. And as much as it sucks Brent, you can't save them all. You just gotta do the best you can." 

Brent sat staring back at his friend, letting everything he said sink in. He was speechless; so many emotions were whirring inside him it almost made his stomach hurt. But there was something there he hadn't felt for awhile: hope. 

"Zach..." 

Zach put a finger to Brent's lips. "Shh. I don't expect you to answer me right now. I don't expect everything to suddenly be better and all your sadness to go away. But I need you to know, I'm here for you. Always. Your my brother, and best friend, and seeing you so sad hurts. You deserve so much more." 

Suddenly, Brent felt exhausted. He let his head droop into Zach's chest, feeling his friend's arms wrap around him. A hand stroked his hair gently; Brent didn't move. Zach was what he needed right now; his gentle voice, his warm figure and his compassion and understanding. For a long while, Brent let all of that envelope him into a bubble. Nothing could penetrate that bubble. 

Nothing could destroy Brent if he had Zach with him. Zach was his strength, his partner in crime, and what he needed to get through the day sometimes. The whole idea that Brent had tried to hide everything from Zach was foolish. If anyone could help Brent through everything, it was his best friend. 

And he was right. In this moment, wrapped in his bubble, Brent knew things would get better. He knew his voice would return to normal, that Barry would stay, and that his fans were okay. Everyone he'd written songs for, they were okay. The songs were for them; they understood that and they loved Brent for it. It was going to be alright. 

Sighing, Brent pulled away, clouds of sadness still hovering over him. Zach was right about that too; his sadness wasn't going to dissipate overnight. It would take time. It was a whole new set of demons that Brent would have to face. But honestly, if he had Zach, he could do it. 

"Thank you Zach." Brent forced a smile. "I love you."

"I love you too Brent. A lot." Zach gave him a crooked smile. "Now, how about we get you out of there, into some real clothes and with a cup of peppermint tea?" 

Brent's smiled widened a bit more, probably his first genuine one in weeks. "I like the sound of that."


End file.
